Thanks for this status update Jaz – it gave me a much needed nudge for writing in my blog again. It has been far too long since I have written – if you’re great at procrastinating clap your hands... *clap clap*.
Apart from being a wonderful procrastinator, there have been some other reasons that have stopped me from adding to this blog. Each time I would sit down to write something, I would end up frustrated that I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile writing – or what I had an idea of what would be worthwhile writing. I seemed to have lost the whole meaning of me starting this blog in the first place. It wasn’t to come up with three life changing, huge moments that I was grateful for. If it were little things I was grateful for that day – then so bit it – at the end of the day all those little things make a big picture.
I am not writing the above to convince you, whoever is reading this – but rather to remind myself of why I wanted to start this blog in the first place.
I know I am repeating myself, but I want to be a happier person. I want to remind myself that I have a huge amount to be grateful for in my life, and that it far outweighs the things that I don’t have, or wish I could have.
Like any normal person however, I do “find it easy to focus on the things that we don’t have – when we should be grateful for the things that we do.” Honestly, how easy is this? It has certainly been easy for me for the past few months. Focusing so much on what I want, but just seems out of reach; focusing on what others have that I want and can’t have; focusing on how long I might have to wait to get what I want; thinking that it’s just not fair that I can’t have something or that my past is what it is... the list goes on. And if you’re not careful - I am speaking from my own experience - you can get lost in an awful spiral of comparing your life against others’, spending precious time wishing instead of living and submersing yourself further and further into a dark pool of self pity. I don’t want to be there. Not only is it unpleasant for me, but more importantly, it’s unpleasant for those who are around me.
Now, as I have missed quite a few days in this blog – these three items are not going to be specific to today, but three things I have found myself to be incredibly grateful for over the past few weeks.
I am grateful for....
....My patient, loving husband
I am so grateful for my husband that this almost needs to be an entry on its own – so I will specifically focus on one thing: I have been a bit of a handful the last few months. For reasons that I can’t really explain to anyone – even myself. Huge mood swings, tears for no real reason, completely losing it over a chicken wing (my best display of ridiculousness yet!).... these are just a few of the things I have thrown at my husband to deal with. I am struggling to find the words to explain how incredibly grateful I have been when on these occasions my husband has been incredibly patient, and for how many huge, loving hugs I have been offered when, really, I probably didn’t deserve it. I don’t know how exactly he puts up with it, but I am very grateful and wouldn’t know what I would do without his big bear hugs that make me feel a little less nuts. My heart feels like it might explode with gratitude at this moment. I love you.
...My amazing best friend
Thank you. Thank you for not asking me to try and explain what the hell is going on with me. Thank you for just being there, and for making me laugh when I didn’t think I had any laughter left. Thank you for your honesty, your hugs, and the time you spend with me. More importantly though – thank you for believing in me. For believing that I will find myself, and for being prepared to stand by my side while I do it. You’re so full of awesome it’s unbelievable.
...That I have the chance to know my lost side of my family again
This is one point that I have been meaning to mention for a little while, but wasn’t sure how to articulate. But here goes. Fifteen years ago, when I was 11, my mother and her then fiancé separated. Staying with my mother was myself and my brother, and going with my stepfather was my half brother and my half sister. My half brother was 4, my sister 7. The four of us were extremely close – spending every moment that we were at home together either pretending we were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I was always Raphael), watching our Looney Tunes VHS, or watching Back to the Future for the thousandth time... we were always together. To suddenly be apart was devastating. It remained that way for the next 13 years – with the four of us apart. I had investigated a few different ways of locating my brother and sister – each time coming up with a dead end because I didn’t have the appropriate paperwork to commence a proper search. So, when Facebook became big and I finally joined, I started searching for my brother and sisters name. They were at the age that they should both be constantly connected to Facebook so surely I should come up with something. Nothing ever came up under my sisters name – and my brothers name – well, there were thousands of people. Because I had no idea where exactly they had ended up – I had to assume that every person I came across with my brothers name around his age could be him. So, I started sending private messages to these people. Lots, and lots of private messages. Apologising if they weren’t the person I was looking for, but explaining that I was looking for my brother and sister. A lot of people didn’t reply – but I also got a lot of lovely replies wishing me all the best in my search. It still wasn’t what I was hoping for of course. I started this search with bucket loads of enthusiasm and a sense of hope that I would find them in meantime. A few months into doing this a few times a week – sending all these messages with nothing – my enthusiasm dwindled and my hope faded. More time crept in between my bouts of messages, until I didn’t have much hope at all and just stopped sending the messages.
Then one day, whilst I was at work, something reminded me of my brother, and I started up the search again. I had sent about 30 messages on this occasion, and had received a few nice messages wishing me all the best. But one message stopped me in my tracks. This one who replied – he thought he might be my brother. I stared at the screen for a bit, and then quickly told myself to not get too excited. So, I sent him a few questions - which he came back with the answers within a few minutes. It was him. Needless to say I sobbed uncontrollably right there at my desk at work for a good 20 minutes, and tried to call my husband to tell him that I had finally found him. It was a moment I never really thought would happen, ever.
Since that day, I have had the opportunity to see my brother in person when I have visited South Australia again. To have him back in my life, and to discover that I also now have a niece and a nephew by my sister – it fills a hole that had been in my life for 13 years.
There are so many people that are from broken families like mine who have never had the opportunity to see family members they have lost contact with. I am so grateful that I am able to make up for some lost time with mine.
So, there we go. Finally an entry. It has been a long time coming, and I wish I had written sooner, because I do already feel better for it. I hope this is the start of shifting how I feel about life in general. Thank you for being patient with me in the meantime.
